Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
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