last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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