my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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