1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize