Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
