Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
