I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I would fuck him just for his dog
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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