my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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