My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Randomize
