can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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