I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Randomize
