I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize