At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
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