dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
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