Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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