If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
high people should be assigned attendants
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Randomize
