What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Randomize
