If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
