I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
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