My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Blow job season was short but glorious.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
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