3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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