Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
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