Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
