Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Randomize
