I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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