Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
