My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I can't turn off my feet"
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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