I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
