I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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