So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
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