he puts the penis in happiness.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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