I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
