Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
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