I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
