Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
