Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Randomize
