May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
