I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
