It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
