Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
