So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
