Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Randomize
