Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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