Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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