it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
