I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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