Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
