Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
