You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
