He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
