happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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