i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Randomize
