Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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