So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
