no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
pop tarts are not kleenex
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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