i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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