so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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