I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
