I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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