I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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