I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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