My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
