i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
