Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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